Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
