If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
