Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
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