I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
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