Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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