Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
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