So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
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