yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
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