booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
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