We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I fill condoms, not promises.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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