Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Randomize
