I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
