how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Randomize
