3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
