I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
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This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
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I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
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