I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
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Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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