I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
