last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
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