I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
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