but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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