i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
