Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
