You just made me feel so damn special
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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