Your favorite bartender is back from prision
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
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