I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
