So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
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