I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Randomize
