We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
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