It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
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