how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Well I just put wine in my tea
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
