her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
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