i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
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