i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
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