I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Randomize
