So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
