Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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