Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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