just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
