Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
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