I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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