I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
