So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Randomize
