I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
