I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Randomize