The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Randomize
