Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Randomize
