We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
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he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
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Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.