That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
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I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
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Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.