why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
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you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
People Weigh In On Whether It’s Okay to Bang Your Roommate
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED