The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
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My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
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If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long