I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
25 People Confess What They Really Think When They See An Obese Person
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
21 Disappointing Confessions From Teenage Fathers
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?