So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
