all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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