remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
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