Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Randomize
