i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
He said he was just looking at my pictures and was thinking about how he wanted to cut my hair..then dye it black and put platnium blonde extensions throughout it and layer my hair
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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